Today I went on a Ghost Tour of Niagara on the Lake – which in itself is shocking because I’m a huge scaredy cat – and on the tour the guide told us a whole bunch of stories about people who died (in a variety of ways, not just gruesome murders) and are now thought to haunt buildings around the town.
So on this ghost tour I got a little lost in my head and wondered what it would be like to like yourself or feel so passionate about about something that you want to stay for eternity. These ghosts from the 1800s still want to exist as themselves, or feel enough anger, or spite, or jealousy or even happiness to hang around where they once lived.
I have had a rather poor mental health week. I have been itching to escape, disappear and just get out my own skin. To compensate for that feeling, and to avoid resorting back to old habits, I drove about 300 km, cut my own hair and made an appointment to get a tattoo (only because I was hard-pressed to find a walk-in tattoo parlor).
When I was telling my therapist about my week, she asked me: “What would you want to be different if you could be anyone else?
I didn’t have a clear answer for her then, but I think I might now:
I want to be as passionate about keeping every part of myself (both the good and the not so good) alive as one of those story-ghosts is to clinging on for eternity.
Ok, blog world, so it’s raining – I think the fact that it’s 7:25 pm on Friday and I’m currently a human burrito attests to that – but I felt the need to end the week on a positive note with a reminder that I’ve said “Take that stool off your back and stop acting like a Ninja Turle,” more than five times a day, everyday this week. I also now have the entire Stranger Things sound track in scratchy 12-year-old voices engraved in my head. In what other profession do you get perks like that?
Keep your heads up, blog world.
Dear Blog (mostly non-existent) World,
I’m currently on my lunch break, which I usually work through, but today my mind is spinning and I thought maybe getting it out would help.
Lately, I’ve been fixated on and obsessed with suicide. I still go about my day and do everything that I’m meant to do but I often find myself feeling hopeless, and frustrated and exhausted, and wondering if the good is worth all the work I put into keeping myself stable. This sounds ridiculous, I know, and I am able to rationalize myself out of the idea but the idea is always there.
This is infuriating. I feel weak because I can’t control these thoughts, and sometimes the dark cloud is so much. There are people facing very real struggles and challenges that I can’t even imagine and I can’t control my own brain.
Last night, I found myself googling the best ways to commit suicide, about which there are websites with very extensive information, weighing the costs and benefits, and crying. Crying because I was struggling to control the dark cloud and the thoughts that came from it. I knew I was just feeding the obsession but I honestly felt like I couldn’t help it.
In the light of day I realize how concerning this is. I’m writing it down to remind myself to keep trying, no matter how many nights of frustration and tears there are, and how much each day the thought cycles through my head, to keep going.
If anyone actually reads this and is struggling, here is your reminder to keep going from someone who is constantly reminding herself of the same.
Welcome back non-existent blog people,
Inspiration for this post came from my hedgehog, Sir Jasper Dragonheart, hedgehog knight, who spends most of this time looking for soft things and dark corners to curl up in. He also might hate me for constantly waking him up during the day so that I can watch him play with stuff, which, in case you were wondering is adorable.
So in my last post I shared five things that I had learned in my 27 years of existence, and this post is basically about everything I have left to learn. Primarily,
- how to survive events with large crowds of people without copious amounts of alcohol,
- how to stop caring so much what my family thinks of me,
- and how to actually use the strategies that I spend $60 a week to learn from my therapist.
So the last couple of weeks have been a mishmash of bruises, meltdowns (both alcohol induced and sober), happiness, late night drives, intrusive thoughts, revelations, and decisions. In short, I realized that even though I’ve already come so far, I have so much further to go.
Insomniac me, who happens to be significantly more motivated than regular me set three goals for the week:
- go to the gym three times,
- stop snacking on chocolate,
- and no alcohol.
They seem pretty menial, I know, but for me, each of these things are so much easier said than done, I actually spent all day thinking about what not to do. Anyway, I have survived day one, and so am off (very, very slowly), to bigger and better things.
So long, blog world.
I’m back, blog world!
Did you miss me? Probably not, considering that no one actually reads this, but it’s nice to think you did at least. Yesterday was my 27th birthday. It was the first birthday I’ve had in at least 5 years that I haven’t spent the day crying and/or feeling miserable about myself. In honour of that, I decided to write one of those corny lists of things that I have learned, so, in no particular order, here goes:
- The people you spend time with can make or break you. Yes, I recognize that this is completely cliche but I’ve realized that it is also very, very true. The people you spend time with are the people that you learn from, the people whom you emulate and the people who you become more like. If those people are awesome, you’re more likely to be awesome too.
- It’s okay to hide every once in awhile. It’s not okay to hide forever and ever and never come out (even if you really want to), but it is definitely okay to do some structured hiding.
- “It doesn’t matter it it’s true. It feels true.” I stole this quote from Leigh Bardugo’s novel Wonder Woman Warbringer (which I am currently reading and highly recommend), because it is so true. Knowing something is different than feeling something. It is easy to know, but much more difficult to feel.
- Not wanting to do somethings because they make you uncomfortable does not make you weak. If they completely derail your life and hinder your happiness, then yes, maybe you should work on it, if they don’t then live your life. Either way, it doesn’t make you weak.
- People aren’t always watching you, and even if they are it doesn’t matter. They aren’t you, they don’t have to live your life. Honestly, if people are watching you you should probably just make your eyes really big and stare right back at them (this is something that I’ve always wished I had he guts to do). If you do this please send me a picture of your best creepy staring face.
In the interest of full disclosure, most of these points are things that I know and am working on feeling, but I still felt they were worthwhile to record, mostly so that if my scatterbrained self forgets I can go back and read them.
Goodnight, blog world.
I hope you all have a fantastic evening.
Hello again, blog world,
Yesterday, I had a weird dream involving sharks and dissolving buildings. Any dream interpreters in blog world feel free to let me know what that means, especially if it means that I have to worry about a piano falling on my head or something of the sort. Although I’d probably worry about that even without the dream interpreter.
Tomorrow is my first day of work this year. I am so relieved that I finally actually got called. My best friend had a baby yesterday and he is adorable and I’m so glad that she is happy. I got a raise at work. So many good things happened, but I still don’t feel happy. Instead I just feel dread. I’m not sure about what exactly, maybe the whole shark, dissolving building, piano thing, or maybe the fact that I have to work at a new school tomorrow, or maybe just existence.
My brain, being the drama queen it is, has drastic thoughts when it experiences dread. It also compels me to buy very large packs of brightly coloured paper and try origami, which, by the way, is much harder than it looks. I think hedgehogs might have the right idea, rolling into a spiky ball might be both the least expensive and safest way to go.
Goodbye for now, blog world.
Good Afternoon, Blog World,
I am using this blog as a means to get my ridiculous nightly thoughts and mental meanderings out into the world also because my therapist says that having a blog might make me feel more like I have a purpose. I’m willing to try anything, so here I am, starting a blog.
I guess I should start by saying something about me, I am a 20-something, substitute teacher. I’m not a huge fan of large groups of people. I have anxiety, depression and tend to veer towards OCD tendencies. I have a pet hedgehog whom I relate to because I often feel like curling into a tiny spiky ball. I spend a lot of time reading. I am currently re-reading the Anne of Green Gables Series, and I’m always reading Harry Potter. As for what I look like, I’m Indian, tall and I have been trying to lose weight for longer than I can remember.
The following is a series of questions that have recently been plaguing my mind, if you have any insight, please share, 3AM me would appreciate it.
- Are mermaids born from eggs or like people? – I’m leaning towards from eggs because I’m not sure how it would work biologically the other way.
- Do baby mermaids look like babies with fish tails? – Probably.
- Hibernation. How do animals sleep for so long? I can barely sleep for 5 hours.
- Miniature animals. How? Why?
Sayonara for now, blog world. I’ll be back!